Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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