she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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