Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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