I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
