Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize