I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
