The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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