oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
