I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
