you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
