and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
