I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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