i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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