Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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