Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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