i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
