He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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