Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
