At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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