When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.