i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I could fuck to npr.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk