She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae