Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wear drunk well.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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