I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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