There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize