u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I pour the whiskey from now on
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
