So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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