Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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