bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
