I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
COCAINE IS GR8
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