So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
