if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
