Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
