Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
