Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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