make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
