I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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