i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
