you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
