I didn't shave. On purpose
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
