I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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