All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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