I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
