i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
