we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
