Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
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I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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