I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
