I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
