I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
