My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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