My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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