Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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