The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
