Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
