Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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