I think I died a long time ago.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
